dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
