Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
