there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Found the puke drawer
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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