Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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