He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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