When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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