She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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