what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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