I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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