I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
