i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
