i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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