you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
