mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
