I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
