You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
