I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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