grandma shit on top of the toilet
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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