my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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