Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
