I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
