I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
