I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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