my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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