Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
