Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
