If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
