Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In other news, I just burned my penis
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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