I want to have your abortion
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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