I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
