i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
