You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
