I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
