i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
