Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
