i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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