According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
