mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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