I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
