I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
