The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
