Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
