It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
