he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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