He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
