I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
