he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
