so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
