Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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