how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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