She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
