I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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