Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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