his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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