Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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