She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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