Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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