were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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